Mazel tov to me, because as of October 4th, I have officially survived five years of womanhood. Not according to the fact that I had to buy my first bra in fourth grade, but according to the facts of Judaism, it has been half a decade since the marvelous day I made a ten page speech when it was only supposed to be three and I shriveled up my face in response to a sip of Manischewitz just to get the crowd laughing. And by crowd, I mean guests in the synagogue pews.
My Bat Mitzvah was a glorious day. I made everyone wear red to the party, at which I had a hysterical crying fit during my dad’s speech. Whenever I bring up my Bat Mitzvah to someone in attendance, they always mention the crying. It’s horrific, and they always do. Always.
I was one of those kids that literally liked my service better than my party because I felt like I really ran shit from the bimah. I also have this odd quality about me where my singing voice is significantly better when I’m singing in Hebrew. I obviously don’t sing in Hebrew often, but I always felt the words float out like butter during my Hebrew school days. Not to pat myself on the back, or anything.
Since I love to create holidays out of everything, here’s a quick list of great ways to properly celebrate the anniversary of your Bat or Bar Mitzvah:
- Make a toast to it while drinking wine with friends, but more expensive wine than that shit the temple makes you imbibe and classier friends than the kids that broke the ceiling at your BM party. Those are the two key words in life: expensive, and classy.
- Tell people that on this day, you became a woman and hope that they realize you’re not talking about your period-iversary (we’ll talk about that holiday another time).
- Sing your torah portion to your reflection in the mirror, especially because
myyour voice always sounds better in Hebrew.
- Wear your tallit as a scarf, because it’s ironic and why the hell not.
- Hand out the leftover kippahs you’ve been storing in that random drawer. There is always a bald man somewhere in need of a hat!
- If you want to feel skinny, don’t try on your party dress… just look at it from afar. But if you have the chutzpah to try, by all means, take a whack at it!
- After number 6, look through your photo album and remember that no matter how much fatter you are now, you’re glad to finally have good teeth and clear skin. This is what is feels like to be a woman.
There is, most certainly, a recipe for a standard Jewish child:
3 years at synagogue or JCC preschool
7-10 summers spent at overnight camp in the Poconos, the Berkshires, or Maine (number of years is flexible)
1 or more additional siblings
Born and raised in a northeastern suburb
Bar or Bat Mitzvah, obviously
Rarely tall or above-average in stature
There are more stereotypes that I could add to the mix, but I figured I should stop before I offend or exclude anyone. I highly considered writing “dark, curly, thick hair,” but I didn’t want to make the few blondes in the tribe feel any less JAPpy or legitimate than the rest of us.
The truth of the matter is that the Jewish culture, as well as other communities and groups of people sharing a common nationality or religion, comes with a lot of tradition. We lead similar lifestyles, and while some of us lean more towards Jack Rogers and others towards Doc Martens (cough cough, me), we still manage to have a lot in common.
As I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to notice this more and more. When we’re younger, we make friends through the connections that our parents have. Now that we’re fully functioning young adults with control not only over our bladders, but also our studies, our social lives, and our luxury cars, the connections we make are truly our own. It is impossible for me to go anywhere–whether it be a party, lunch in town, a charity event, or even a spin class–without speaking to someone that I know at least one person in common with.
This phenomenon is known as the “Six Degrees of Separation.” According to Wikipedia, the most reliable source that feeds the minds of millennials, “Six degrees of separation is the theory that everyone and everything is six or fewer steps away, by way of introduction, from any other person in the world, so that a chain of ‘a friend of a friend’ statements can be made to connect any two people in a maximum of six steps.” As a nice Jewish girl, this theory has been a part of my life ever since I can remember. But still, to this day, it blows my mind.
My parents met on Halloween in college when a friend in common introduced them on a street corner. It would come as no surprise to me if you told me that your parents were seated next to each other at a wedding, were set up on a blind date, or had at least one mutual friend.
For a while now, I’ve had a theory of my own. What if, to find our husbands or wives, we used the six degrees of separation to figure out who of the opposite sex (or of the same sex 😉 #DOMA) we statistically knew the most amount of people in common with? Then, what would happen?
Well, you would certainly have a lot to speak about, and that’s the obvious answer. But once you’re done discussing how that girl (who went to Hebrew school with both of you) shouldn’t have gotten into “x” college or how that guy (who also went to your pediatrician) needs to realize that no one cares he was a camp Olympics general, how much more would you have to discuss? Would my theory work? Or would we just have more people to gossip about?
To a certain extent, you are who you surround yourself with. If a boy and a girl know a lot of the same people, it could therefore mean that they are similar people themselves. But it could also mean that their paths crossed multiple times amongst the over-the-top Bar Mitzvah parties, the eight summers at camp, the four years at a rah-rah school, the three years in law school, the summer internship at JP Morgan… shall I dare continue?
Is there a difference between what is bashert and what, statistically, is a balanced recipe for a Jewish couple?
When we are done gossiping about the 2,000 people we know in common (2,000 is not an understatement) and we start to let our guards down about who we really are on the inside, will it be a perfect match?