I know what you’re thinking. You’re wondering why a nice Jewish girl like me would be writing to you, asking for gifts on a holiday that doesn’t even belong to the chosen people. Well, Santa, it turns out I had a rough year. It was also a great year–don’t get me wrong–but I would venture to say there were times where I, usually a hard headed independent woman that don’t need no man, boarded the struggle bus. I think I deserve a present or two. On that note, I want to introduce to you the Jewish concept of mitzvah–a worthy deed. You would really be doing a mitzvah by helping your marginalized friend (a.k.a. me) out. If I were you getting me a gift, here’s what I would just hypothetically get for myself. If you were my boyfriend or my family member or a good friend getting me a present for the holidays, still totally in theory, Santa, I would also recommend anything on this list. Santa, I think this will be a great role playing game for you. I feel like you’re really going to get to know me.
- Tickets to the Beyoncé concert at Barclay’s, either of the nights. (I’m not very picky, Santa. But I would prefer GA seats, if you were wondering.)
- A tobi.com gift card! JK LOL, do not get me this. Seriously, don’t.
- But feel free to get me a Free People one.
- An iTunes gift card, because I’m poor and like music.
- Some makeup, because I’m really ugly and need it. Pity me.
- An unlimited supply of zero calorie fruity drinks, preferably carbonated ones.
- A new iPhone. Mine is literally degenerated (the selfie camera is really bad quality).
- This phone case. Make sure you get the size that fits my new iPhone (mentioned above).
- A new Facebook profile pic. Mine is getting really old. Can we arrange an artsy photo shoot with the Nikon you got for your Bar Mitzvah? Oh, shit… I forgot you didn’t… um… sorry, Santa.
- A book deal.
- The opportunity to babysit Nori West.
Merry Christmas! (Or, as one of my favorite TV characters, Schmidt from New Girl, likes to call it, “White Anglo Saxon Winter Privilege Night.”)
Love, your biggest non-gentile fan,
p.s. Here’s one more for the road: