Flavor of the Week: Boy Bands

It is shocking to me that America has always been so accepting of boy bands, yet so reluctant to accept gay marriage. Especially when gay men are stereotypically well groomed while boy band members are known for their Ramen noodle-resembling hair. Is this not the most confusing precedent ever set?????

We’re talking about you, Justin.

Nevertheless, boy bands are about as traditional as grilled chicken in a chopped salad. We have always loved them and we always will. However, the culture of the band of the boy has drastically changed. Once,  you could get any eight year-old male to cry themselves a river (ha, see what I did there?) at the sight of the Backstreet Boys or NSYNC. Do you see 21st century boys willing to throw themselves in front of a One Direction tour bus? No, you don’t, and there’s a reason for that.

Boy band culture is, unfortunately, on the decline. Once, boy bands were all about hair gel, harmonics, iconic CD covers, and brotherhood. There was certainly a specific AEPi-ness that held bands together like glue until they got too fat and too old–

(case in point: Joey Fat-one)

I mean, until they had “creative differences” that tore not only the bands apart but also the hearts of young boys and girls around the world. If boy bands were still as good as they once were, wouldn’t all kids still have a dedicated passion for them?

Besides, we liked boy bands for their music. Boy bands today, like One Direction, The Wanted, and Tegan and Sara (jk lol, I actually love Tegan and Sara) are worshipped at the same level as Hashem (BTW, happy Rosh y’all) because of their appearances. Think about it–were you ever sexually attracted to anyone in NSYNC or in the Backstreet Boys besides the obvious JT and Nick Carter? No, and don’t even try to defend that. You liked them for what boy band culture is all about–for their music.

I think that the era of the boy band has come to a close, and while I appreciate NSYNC’s attempt to resurrect the 90s at the VMAs, I saw it more as a blast to the past than an everlasting reunion. That’s why JT only let them sing a total of three words each–it wasn’t because JT is more talented or good looking than the rest of them, and it’s not because JT thinks that he’s better than them (HAHA OK)–it’s because that performance was just meant to be a gentle reminder of a better time; a time when toddlers didn’t have iPod touches and your favorite record was not platinum, but it was “black & blue.”

Flavor of the Week: Angelica Pickles

Angelica Pickles is the younger, Jewish version of Paris Hilton. Wikipedia refers to her as a “spoiled brat,” verbatim. Wiki also says that she’s “vain, conceited, self-centered, irritating, bossy, selfish, self-righteous, arrogant, and obnoxious yet beautiful.” Since Wikipedia is the most reliable source of all time, and there is clearly no way that the article on Angelica was written by a thirteen-year-old Rugrats enthusiast with the vocabulary and grammar skills of a sloth, we must take in these vindictive personality analyses with the utmost sincerity.

In other words, Angelica’s a bitch and we love it.

Angelica is best known in film for her roles in Rugrats, All Grown Up, The Rugrats Movie, and in print for her appearance in the Pulitzer Prize-winning children’s book (which I also consider to be a personal favorite) Let My Babies Go! A Passover Story.

Here are some of Angelica’s greater moments:

“Chanukah is that special time of year between Christmas and Misgiving when all the bestest holiday shows are on TV.”

“So you see, Tommy, cookies made me who I am.”

“When life gives you lemons, make apple sauce.”

“A bacation is when you can do ezzactly what you want all the time.”

(After sorting through all of these quotes, I realized how likely it was that Angelica C. Pickles herself wrote her own Wikipedia article. I mean, the vernacular is almost identical. Typical Ang.)

Lastly, let us not forget Cynthia, who is almost as disturbing as Courage the Cowardly Dog. Let’s take a look at some of her better days:

Cynthia being mildly strangled.

Cynthia hangin’ out in the sewer.

Cynthia on the cover of Vogue.

Cynthia getting “shaken baby syndrome.” So basically nbd.

I’d love to sit down and break some matza with Angie one day and ask her how a girl so Jewish could get away with being blonde and having minimal arm/body hair. I’m sure she’d be a doll.