Flavor of the Week: Christopher Columbus

He has really nice hands

He has really nice hands

One of the greatest struggles a child has is remembering the names of the ships that brought the white people to America who got kicked out of Europe because they wouldn’t let them film “Sister Wives” over there. I would always get confused between the Nina, Pinta, Santa Maria, and the Mayflower and what each of their respective historical purposes were. After googling “what is the difference between the nina the pinta the santamaria and the mayflower” just to make sure that I had my facts straight, I concluded that the Mayflower brought the cast of “Sister Wives” over and the Nina, Pinta, and Santa Maria were not just the names of every house keeper in the tri-state area but also carried Christopher Columbus and his men to “discover” North America.

Christopher Columbus, not to be mistaken for Chris Columbus (the man who directed your little brother’s fav movie, Percy Jackson & the Lightning Thief), is a controversial man of epic proportions. There is an entire grassroots movement towards abolishing the holiday we celebrate in his honor. This, if you think about it, is especially rude to and ignorant of the Canadians who celebrate their Chinatown version of Thanksgiving on the American Columbus Day.

Here is Columbus looking rather Nice Jewish Boy-esque

Here is Columbus looking rather Nice Jewish Boy-esque

Columbus was neither very attractive nor very Ivy League. He thought it would be a great idea to sail westward to reach the East Indies. Like, I see what your trying to do here, but unconventionality only works in situations such as wearing transparent tights under jean cutoffs in an effort to “stay warm,” or when you have to edit a photo on minimum three different applications in order to mupload it in the trendiest manner.

People don’t like Columbus because he didn’t treat Native Americans with respect. It also pisses a lot of people off that we give him the credit to “discovering” America when a) Leif Ericson, some meaty ginger viking, already came and b) the land had clearly been discovered if people were living there. I think in truth, this is kind of like a “why don’t we all just stab Casear” situation and a lot of people have some pent up jealousy that there are no countries left for them to discover… just new iPhone apps to create. You know?


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