Mazel tov to me, because as of October 4th, I have officially survived five years of womanhood. Not according to the fact that I had to buy my first bra in fourth grade, but according to the facts of Judaism, it has been half a decade since the marvelous day I made a ten page speech when it was only supposed to be three and I shriveled up my face in response to a sip of Manischewitz just to get the crowd laughing. And by crowd, I mean guests in the synagogue pews.
My Bat Mitzvah was a glorious day. I made everyone wear red to the party, at which I had a hysterical crying fit during my dad’s speech. Whenever I bring up my Bat Mitzvah to someone in attendance, they always mention the crying. It’s horrific, and they always do. Always.
I was one of those kids that literally liked my service better than my party because I felt like I really ran shit from the bimah. I also have this odd quality about me where my singing voice is significantly better when I’m singing in Hebrew. I obviously don’t sing in Hebrew often, but I always felt the words float out like butter during my Hebrew school days. Not to pat myself on the back, or anything.
Since I love to create holidays out of everything, here’s a quick list of great ways to properly celebrate the anniversary of your Bat or Bar Mitzvah:
- Make a toast to it while drinking wine with friends, but more expensive wine than that shit the temple makes you imbibe and classier friends than the kids that broke the ceiling at your BM party. Those are the two key words in life: expensive, and classy.
- Tell people that on this day, you became a woman and hope that they realize you’re not talking about your period-iversary (we’ll talk about that holiday another time).
- Sing your torah portion to your reflection in the mirror, especially because
myyour voice always sounds better in Hebrew.
- Wear your tallit as a scarf, because it’s ironic and why the hell not.
- Hand out the leftover kippahs you’ve been storing in that random drawer. There is always a bald man somewhere in need of a hat!
- If you want to feel skinny, don’t try on your party dress… just look at it from afar. But if you have the chutzpah to try, by all means, take a whack at it!
- After number 6, look through your photo album and remember that no matter how much fatter you are now, you’re glad to finally have good teeth and clear skin. This is what is feels like to be a woman.