On Movies I’ve Never Seen

When I was in elementary school, I used to be a really big liar. It was a huge problem, not because my lies were bad and absolutely ridiculous, but because they were subtle and normal-seeming. Once when I was little, I went to the hair salon with my friend and her mom. My friend and I were talking about our families, and she told me that she had a cousin named Kendall (name changed to conceal identity, and yes, I did choose “Kendall” as a pseudonym in honor of Kendall Jenner). For absolutely no reason whatsoever, I decided to response by literally saying–true story–“Oh my god! I have a cousin named Kendall also!” I really did not, and do not, have a cousin named Kendall. These kinds of situations occurred at least once a day.

Sometimes when you’re having a conversation with someone, whether you want to sound impressive, you care about his or her opinions of you, or you are too lazy to make up real answers to questions they ask, it is easy to lie. Here’s a good example: Someone asks you if you know a band. Your response? “Yeah, I obviously know that band.” Then they ask you your favorite song. Can they tell that you’re lying? Obviously. That’s why they’re asking you the secondary question–to be a total ass. So your response to their second question will be “I don’t really know the names of their songs, or know their songs by heart because I’ve just been listening to all of their stuff like kinda testing it out you know?”

This seems to happen a lot to me with movies. For some reason, people love talking about movies. It happens that there are a lot of major motions pictures considered “classics” that I have not seen. The following is a list of the lies I would make up if someone were to try to engage in conversation with me about the following movies, each number explaining what I imagine the movie to be like. Don’t judge me for some of these. I’m culturally educated, I promise. I have a blog, duh.

1. Titanic

Leo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet, who isn’t even that pretty at all, fall in love on a cruise ship, which would never happen in real life because cruise ship riders are typically tacky, fat, or both. I was so surprised that neither of them got motion sickness after the Titanic crashed into an iceberg. When that gross cruise ship-y bitch tried to steal Leo and his raft away from Kate, I was really upset. That was probably the saddest part of the movie. 

Since I haven’t seen the movie, I don’t understand this meme but you all probably do so I decided to use it.

2. Zoolander (not that classic, but always comes up in conversation)

I love the actor that plays Zoolander. What do you mean when you ask do I know the actor’s name? Of course I know it! Wait so anyway the scene where they pole dance like strippers made me so uncomfortable because it was obviously a rip off of Magic Mike. I also find it so funny that Zoolander turned out to be gay. Right?


3. Casablanca

This movie was one of my faves because it takes place in a small Spanish countryside which is where I would have my estate if I were popular, rich, and famous. I love how they were able to maintain the realistic nature of the plot and the wealthy kinda-princess trapped in Casablanca, her white house where she lived with her really strict dad, regardless of the pumpkin in her field that turned into a carriage at one point. 

I don’t know who these people are, but I like the way they speak.

4. Pulp Fiction

I really thought that the strong use of the metaphor of the pulp was so powerful to this movie’s deeper meaning. The most classic scene is of Denzel Washington sitting down at the end of the movie with his glass of freshly squeezed OJ, blood still on his hands from beating a novelist/fiction-writer to death, and saying to himself, “Wow. This pulp is so fresh, so good.”

Wait, I didn’t know John Travolta a.k.a. the mom from Hairspray was in this??

5. The Godfather

A large group of Italian men are really cliquey and get mad at another close-knit group of Italian men. Both groups have guns. They all kill each other until the mafia group leader is the only one left, bleeding out, regretting his life full of black market business deals and an unsuccessful string of kosher Italian restaurants in the tristate area. 

The offer? Pastrami on rye.

Don’t be surprised if I use any of these in conversation with you. Just pity me, please.