I am not a middle aged person. I am not even a quarter life person yet. But because my mother kvetches more than a solid combination of Mrs. George/Amy Poehler circa Mean Girls and Jamie Lee Curtis, your go-to know-it-all on probiotic Activia yogurt, circa Freaky Friday, I feel as though in my adolescence I’ve grown to appreciate the taunt of a PMSing mother, the rage ensued after I use the emergency credit card to pay for a shirt on sale at Urban Outfitters, and the relief I feel when Mom has moved from her office–the kitchen table–to the stove with a spatula in one hand and a loaf of organic tofu in the other.
I remember when my mom decided to get a Facebook, which, might I add, happened before I created mine. For her first few weeks, she sat in the same chair at the dining room table, eyes glued to the screen until a small red notification would blink as a beacon of light in the corner of her screen. My mom grew up as an acquaintance of Constantine Maroulis, the Jesus-looking quasi-famous contestant from season four of American Idol, also from the original Broadway cast of Rock of Ages. Mom wrote and then proceeded to sing a short song about his acceptance of her friend request, because obviously.
Today, my mom has stepped slightly away from Facebook and indulged herself in the digital realm of Words With Friends and Family Feud, all fueled by her acquisition of an iPad one or two years ago. Although my mom makes it seem like the internet world is a heaven on earth, I feel like Facebook would be pretty startling and stressful to be introduced to as an adult.
Here are what I consider to be the pros and cons of Facebook as a middle aged person:
Pro: My mom’s high school sweetheart can now more readily stalk her.
Con: My mom’s high school sweetheart can now more readily stalk her.
Pro: It is much more easier to defriend your annoying PTA co-pres over Facebook than it would be to actually do so in real life.
Con: You sometimes have to reinstill those friendships you didn’t necessarily still want to keep.
Pro: No one actually knows how to use technology at this level, so all bitchy moves (friend deletion, denial of friend requests, tagging of fugly photos, etc.) are excused by “I don’t remember doing that at all! I must have pressed a wrong button!”
Con: No excuses anymore, because now you have to basically say happy birthday to every person that ever existed ever.
Pro: The opportunity to make everyone who hasn’t seen you recently believe you look a lot younger/better than you actually do.
Pro: My dad muploads more than I do. Actually, that might be a con.
Con: It’s another way to see those things you don’t want to see on your kid’s timeline.
Example: Once, I baked a cake with my cousin. When we took it out of the pan, we discovered that it was a very moist cake. I proceeded to say, “Wow, it’s really moist down there!” which my cousin then set as my Facebook status. My grandma saw my status and called my aunt who called my mom who yelled at me for making an inappropriate Facebook status. This also reminds me of the time I shaved by legs in fourth grade and somehow my uncle found out which made me cry for a solid three hours, but that’s a story for another time.
Pro: It’s like a more fun version of LinkedIn.
Pro: It’s an excuse for you to talk even more than you already do, cough cough Jewish mothers everywhere, cough cough my mom who writes at least 300 words per status comment.
Case in point: here is my mom’s most recent Facebook status. Note that every comment is liked… by my mom.
Social media for our aging parents who try to keep themselves young with things like Lulu Lemon stretch pants, fro-yo, and a ridiculous amount of gossip about none other than their children can be a very scary thing. Let me repeat myself: a very, very scary thing.