On Being Totally Obsessed With Controversy

Just a warning: this post may be controversial. No irony intended.

I am a social media addict. My eyes are mesmerized by an endless Twitter feed and the photo icons of Maude Apatow and Lena Dunham. Gmail makes me feel hashtag-blessed (#blessed), and it has this amazing iPhone app in my favorite font. Pinterest was fun for like five minutes, but at least I tried it. I think it’s because I don’t yet have a fully-developed obsession with interior decoration, which will probably form the second I get married someday. Facebook is Facebook is Facebook is Facebook. It is made for stalking, so obv I’m always down. And ah, yes, WordPress. You, WordPress, are my new frenemy/New Year’s resolution. It was either blog or actually make an attempt to lose weight. Enough said.


As you can tell, I love social media. I love knowing everything so that my head is full of secrets, just like Gretchen Weiners’. But there is one thing to hate about this thing that I love. In my blatant, honest, and crude opinion, social media has made everyone a pussy. People have just gotten too sensitive.

Sometimes, I like to think of myself as a Nancy Drew-type. If Nancy Drew were on the school paper, I doubt she would be the Managing Editor like me because that isn’t sleuth-y enough. But as a freshman staff writer oh-so-many years ago, I pitched what I thought to be a genius idea. “Hey, everybody, let’s write about all of the pregnant teenagers in the less-gaudy town next door!” I was immediately shut down. Someone would be offended by this–some fat kid would claim I put the article in the paper to compare him to a pregnant woman, some Jewish mother wouldn’t want her daughter to start a pregnancy pact… and the list only continues. Drama queens.

But am I wrong? Is the news not the news? And how does this shitty situation all relate to social media?

Social media has not only allowed me to obsess over weird things like photos of babies with Sharpay puppies, puffins, and mice with teeny weeny teddy bears, but it has also allowed me to hide behind a glowing screen. Can I stalk the prettiest girl I’ve ever seen in real life? Hell no. So I’ll just stalk her on Facebook. When my friends and I bitch fight, we text with the utmost brevity. In person, we either just ignore each other or act like nothing’s wrong. Social media has allowed us to build up this ridiculous wall of sensitivity because we are no longer used to a good slap in the face. Today, the closest things to this startling pain are some pretty rude Emojis, probably.


Here are things that are legitimately controversial:

  1. When I was in first grade, I told a girl in my class that I was going to kill her. She refused to come to school the next day. 
  2. Also in first grade, a girl in my class peed in her pants. I told this guy that I was seriously crushing on because I thought it would make him fall madly in love with me. My teacher gave me a time out. I guess I thought urine was a pretty hot topic of convo back then.
  3. In fifth grade, my boyfriend hacked into my AIM account. Gasp!!!!

I think it’s clear to see that true controversy doesn’t extend pass elementary school. So please, for heaven fucking sake, let me write my gossip column in the school paper. I meant, let me write about local pregnant teenagers.


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