On Wearing My Big Girl Pants (Thongs)

Throughout my experience as a normal female, I have seen many who know the “yes’s” and many who don’t to wearing proper, feminine underwear.  In my eyes, there are only a few excuses as to why one would not wear a thong: she additionally uses her panties as a sanitary napkin, she cannot control her urine, and she does not know the lingerie aisle exists (even at K-Mart).

Don’t get me wrong – whether you’re a Chuck Bass-craving ten year old or a thirty-something who still lives with her parents, I can lend you salvation. I was once a thong virgin, as my overprotective mother insisted these undergarments were too provocative. What she didn’t realize was that thongs couldn’t possibly be provocative if they were in my pants and no one saw them. So, I was a sixth grader strutting around in yoga pants and Hanes’ “Hip Huggers.”
I was definitely not wearing a thong here. (Top row, third from the right.)

I was definitely not wearing a thong here. (Top row, third from the right.)

Sixth grade was also the year that my grandfather passed away. On his birthday in April we went to visit his grave, throwing ourselves a nice little picnic. I had decided to wear my brown leggings that day, of course, neglect of thong. I remember running around the graveyard with my little brothers and cousins. It looked just like a scene from The Sound of Music. My Julie Andrews moment was shattered when I noticed my mother staring at my ass in disgust. She called me over to tell me the most beautiful, ugly truth. “Hannah,” she said, “it’s time to get you a thong.”

This day was arguably one of the most significant in my life because I became a woman.  Who knew that all it took was $20 at Target? I highly recommend the 5 for $25 deal at Victoria’s Secret as well.

Here is a checklist to help the average granny-panty wearer get started:

  1. Do you still have wedgies?
  2. Do you wonder why your Kim Kardashian-esque ass hasn’t been checked out?
  3. Is your favorite designer Fruit of the Loom?
  4. Does your aging mother still shop for your panties?
  5. Have you been single your entire life?
  6. When you put on leggings, do you find yourself asking, “why does it feel like I’m trying to stuff a Thanksgiving turkey?”
If you’ve answered yes to one million or more of these questions, you need a thong.