Before I begin, I would like to define a word I will use often: JAP. JAP is an acronym for Jewish American Princess. In other words, a Cher Horowitz via Clueless type that typically resides on the East Coast.
When I was in middle school, the JAPs in my grade carried Coach wristlets. So, naturally, I wanted a Coach wristlet as well. Then, the wristlet became a small, boxy Coach purse. The purse became a Hervé tote and the Hervé tote became a Longchamp tote. And come next year, the Longchamp tote will become the classic Louis Vuitton tote. I don’t recommend trusting my instincts, however, as I’m so low on the food chain of JAPery that I gave up asking my mom for new bags after I was finally gifted the boxy Coach purse (3 years after everyone else, of course).
I always told myself that one day, none of this would matter. We would all grow up and get jobs and families and be our own people and I could do whatever I wanted without feeling like I wasn’t JAPpy enough. Well, times have obviously changed. And as I’ve gotten older, I’ve come to realize that you can take the girl out of the JAP, but you can never take the JAP out of the girl (whatever that means).
In other words, the JAPs of the world are staying huddled together like a weird school of fish with a lot of David Yurman bangles. As my future is literally on the horizon, I’ve put together a pretty interesting order of events in which a JAP will stay JAPpy, starting with her college education:
- She will attend any university featured on Betches Love This or I’m Shmacked. The list of possible college options will not extend much further than this.
- She will intern for any major magazine one would read during her mani-pedi (i.e. People, US Weekly, etc.) or some sort of rent-a-dress-yay fashion company.
- She will make a Twitter account. 25% of JAPs will have a witty, funny account (these are the JAPs from UPenn) and 75% of JAPs will complain about the constant need of a bagel, sunglasses, and Advil.
- She will make a blog.
- She will get a book deal.
- She will get married, live happily ever after, and give birth to a baby JAP that comes out of the womb in a full Juicy Couture sweatsuit.
See some of my fav examples of this:
Babe Walker, A.K.A. @whitegrlproblem
Leandra Medine, A.K.A. @ManRepeller
@SororityProblem and her famous hashtag #sorrynotsorry
I know that I may have skipped the crucial part of life where I’m supposed to buy all of these tote bags. But will I suffer from PTSD because of it? Will I not be a true “betch”? Will I never own an expensive pair of leather pants and a faux-fur vest? Who the hell knows.
But JAPs around the world, I will meet you at the end. When we are both sitting in the waiting room at Hyperion, waiting to meet with our respective editors, you can look at my size 4 ass and my floral Doc Martens while I strut out of that room with a million-dollar book deal.